i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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