i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
