I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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