You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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