just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize