Just fell off a train. Bad.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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