I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
is it fun? or sober?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
