You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
