i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
