fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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