Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
