Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
