This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
