I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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