she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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