god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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