somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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