I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
