Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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