My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
