Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
