Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
she looked like the before picture.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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