When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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