normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
