Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
