I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
