just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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