i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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