the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
