in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
