The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
