First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
did i walk over a car last night?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
