Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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