first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
