How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
