i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
