just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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