I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
