I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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