I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
