My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
