Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
