I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
