I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
