Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
