I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
