the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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