Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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