oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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