Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
