Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
