some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
