Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
