Redeem this text for a blowjob
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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