First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
