theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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