im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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