so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
